Surviving the heat like a fat babe does

Yo! Babes!

see what i mean? Its freaking hot.

It is hotter than my ass in short shorts out there, and I’m feeling a certain type of way about it. I am not a babe who copes well in the heat, and shit has been hovering around what feels like 36 degrees celcius (thank you humidity) – so essentially, I am living in hell, and frankly, so is everyone around me.

I walk across the room and my body is pouring sweat – My fucking knees were sweating yesterday and I didn’t even know that was a thing that happened. I live in a house with no air conditioning and I’m at the point where I will literally come for you if you step in front of my fan. Don’t even bother asking me to set it to ‘oscillate’, that option is not on offer, not by a long damn shot.

So yeah, its hot, my mood is piss poor, my temper is short, and my goal is to get through this heat wave without being responsible for the total decimation of every good thing in my life – if i make it through successfully it will be a goddamn miracle sent from our holy mother of fatness.

Part of the problem is my own heat addled attitude for sure, but the bulk of the issue here is the way the world treats fat babes when the temperatures soar.

Look babes, being hot in the summer is a universal feeling, but for fat people it comes with a little extra je ne sais quoi- as if I’m not already on the fucking edge of reason. Cause like many, many things in life, fat people are not allowed to look hot. And I don’t mean hot as in ‘lets do this thing, babe’, because against all odds, we fucking pull off that kind of hot just fine, thank you. I mean the sweaty, sticky, stifling kind of hot.

There is a lot of pressure on fat people to ‘manage’ our bodies. If my body is gonna be fat, there is a cultural expectation that I keep it quiet, or at least out of view when it just does what is natural for bodies to do. No one gives a shit when skinny people are sweating. No one cares if the sweaty size 4 sits next to them on the bus. People are fucking charmed when skinny people’s hair sticks to their sweaty faces – the ‘pushing the sticky hair out of her face’ move is one of the more common, tired rom com tropes out there. Only thing is, ya can’t be fat. Cause when you are fat, that shit is not cute. We have been told over and over again that our bodies are not deserving of respect and nothing underscores that more than the way we get treated in the motherfucking heat.

It is already the worst out there, but fat babes have to consider so much more, just to stay cool. We do not live in the same spaces as our thinner brethren. I am under constant public scrutiny every time I leave the house in shorts, never mind when I am also red-faced, sweaty, and miserable. Strangers REGULARLY have a thing to say, or a look to give, or a giggle behind a covered mouth. I am the proud owner of a deeply practiced strut, sneer, and snark combo that allows me to wear what the fuck I want, but on days like this, when it is hot as balls out there, I can barely muster a sneer. And, to be crystal here, I shouldn’t have to. My body is fat, and sweaty, and red, and now it is time for everyone to get the fuck over it. Cause it’s summer out there and I got shit to do.

This was my outfit the other day. The double take/jaw drops were fast and furious. On the upside I was femme flagging so hard I’m pretty sure no one thought I was straight. #smallmiracles

And I’m trying babes, but my fat babe armour is too hot for teacher, and in this heat, I don’t always have the emotional wherewithal to bounce back from the casual fatphobia of strangers (read: i turn into a temperamental fat bitch- and to be real here – its too hot out for that kind of exchange.). And yet, as per usual, I’m gonna do what I want. So in the interest of laying it down for a fatphobic jackoff, here is a list of things that I have done and will continue to do as long as I feel like it. I have also helpfully included the appropriate public response since civility, it seems, may in fact be rocket science.

1. I’m gonna wear the romper that is so short that you can see the pimples on my inner thighs, a result of sweltering heat induced chub rub and exercises in hair removal working in tandem to piss me off. And you are gonna appreciate the balls it takes to be hot and fat in the world and you are gonna see those pimples as goddamn badges of honour in a world that wants my body in pants all summer long.

2. I’m gonna bring my sweat rag (that’s a hankie to wipe the sweat off my brow for those not in the know) along with me whenever I’m headed out in this heat and I’m gonna use it, as needed, in front of people. Said people are going to say ‘goodness it is hot, you are a beautiful fat genius to have brought along your hankie’.

3. I’m gonna wear my bikini top and nothing else (except maybe a denim vest, see above), like every other damn broad in the world. People are gonna mind their own business, close their gaping jaws, and stop double taking, and in return they will not have to enjoy a public call out, by moi.

4. I’m gonna use my shirt to wipe off boob sweat when I’m at the garden cause the sweat stings my eyes and feels like bugs and if you see my tits in a bra then you are just gonna deal, old man.

5. I’m not putting on shorts the second I’m done swimming. My suit is wet and I’m hot and I don’t wanna. Also, your kids need to see fat people who are living their lives like bosses, so you are also welcome for the teachable moment.

6. Bras are gonna be fucking optional and if you see a little nip you are going to be polite as fuck about it.

Babes, It is hot out. Our fat bods are tryna stay cool just like everyone else’s. There is nothing wrong with fat babe bodies in the heat – even at our sweatiest and hot messiest, our majestic bods are worthy of respect and some goddamn admiration. The people that cross paths with us may want us to take up as little space as possible, well I want them to zip it lock it and put it in their damn pocket, but apparently in this heat, no one is really getting what they want. And I, as previously stated, am gonna do what the fuck I want. And what I want is to stay cool enough that I still have a little kindness for the people i love, so if that means the world gets to see a little more of me then the world is gonna have to just eat it. And then they are going to LOVE IT.

So, given this heat, and the hair-trigger temper it inspires in me, I fucking dare anyone to try a thing with me or my fat babe fam. JUST. TRY. IT.

Smooches.