Babes. Did you miss me?
Sorry it has been so long – I have been busy lighting shit in my life on fucking fire so y’know, less time to blog about it. I am coming out at the other end now so you will probably hear about all of the sordid details in a later post, but for now it is summer here on the Canadian Prairie which means I am totally goddamn overdue for a fat babe does summer blog.
Now when you live somewhere that boasts virtually 8 months of Winter, you know that that tiny little piece of summer sunshine is essentially the fucking most important thing in life. And you also know that soaking in the vitamin D that has been leached out of you every single frigid day is, like, the only purpose of summer (aside from getting laid, and bbq, natch).
So babes, essentially what I am saying is:
it is time to take off all your goddamned clothes. I mean, it is essentially the only responsible thing to do as a fat babe in the sunshine.
Don’t worry y’all I get it, summer can be a rough go for a fat babe about town. What with the sweat taking out our ‘waterproof’ foundation, the eternal summer curse of chub rub, and the entire world telling us that being fat in the summer is some kind of horrific nightmare, it can feel like summer is a fat phobic dick of a season. But babes I have to tell you that summer, she is just a power bottom. A couple of tweaks to the fat babe’s summer regimen and we can top summer all breezy day and sweet sweaty night. Trust, babes. This is our moment to fucking own summer. So, get this season leashed and let’s tear it up.
First things first, a slight detour to sound off about the fuckery that blooms every glorious summer. I need to just state for the absolute record that the level of fucked up people get about summer bodies is beyond tolerable. I am aware that, much like the mosquitos in my home town, it can range from a constant low level irritant to full on decimation of joy and fun. It is the season where body dysmorphia kicks into high gear and everyone who hates their body suddenly also feels the need to pull some spandex over certain parts and then roll around in the sand and swim publicly with strangers. That is some complex shit for the average person so it is no wonder that everything around us starts to scream extra loud about how we are looking. Between the magazines, and the diets, and the endless body grooming it is no wonder we are drowning under the weight of it. The capitalism that swirls around fat phobia has essentially stolen summer from everyone, especially fat babes. So, babes, let’s do the world a solid and take that shit back. Also cause for real, we deserve to swim.
How to Own Summer – a Fat Babe Primer
Tools to win both the physical and mental game
PHYSICAL or the actual shit you need:
Chub Rub – First, contrary to corporate media, the bulk of humanity have thighs that touch. Sure there are some people out there who do not experience this, but on the whole thighs that don’t touch are not a thing. And for those of us blessed with delicious thick and ample thighs, the chub rub story is legit non-fiction. At this point I have tried virtually every. single. thing. to minimize the rub and I can say with full fat babe authority that there is a different solution for everyone. For me, its BodyGlide. If you are a runner you may be familiar – if not let me tell you that this is one more moment in time that we can thank atheletes for making shit better for all of us – hip replacements, cortisone shots, and motherfucking BodyGlide. It is literally a product designed for some random runner problem that I am not familiar with (although it has to do with nipples chafing on athletic wear – whatever), but that also works like a goddamn charm to make summer great again. Smear this shit on your inner thighs to keep the chafing from getting you down. It is magical. Solving chub rub is the first step to making summer your submissive little puppy so I have linked this article for some other ideas. I will say that although the author of this article poopoo’s the use of silicone lube, I know a TON of sex positive fat femmes who swear by uberlube for both its intended use and as an off-label chub rub solution. Also the article is for sure targeted towards women, but body glide knows no gender. Whatever works babes, whatever works. http://www.xojane.com/healthy/chub-rub-thigh-chafing-solutions
Bathing Suits – Not gonna lie, bathing suits for fat babes can be some next level shit for many of us and with totally legit reason, but if you can get there bathing suits will become the greatest fucking thing that ever happened to you. First, reality check: I am no fool, I know not everyone is down with getting naked in a world that treats fat like a worse fate than terminal illness. That’s cool. Babes, you don’t have to love your body every goddamned second to be a fat babe. Body positivity can literally go fuck itself. It doesn’t help; it just makes those of us who don’t always feel awesome feel guilty about our lack of positivity. And y’all we don’t need that shit in our lives. My baseline is pretty fat and pretty vain and that still doesn’t help me on the beach when I know the world is thinking otherwise about me. What helps me is this: gentleness with my body, swimming in comfort, and options for my beach fashion. Fat babe bathing suits are super plentiful as are cover ups, beach pants, all things that can help you rock a bathing suit. And babes of all genders and sizes can do bathing suits all thanks to a little thing I call ‘the Internet’. On-line bathing suit shopping. Totally here for it. whether you are a fancy femme, a genderqueer dandy, or a lumberjack butch, the internet will provide. Honestly there are no surprises about fabric- it’s all spandex so really all you are doing is deciding what style gives you the most life. So, whether you are full on string bikini at the busiest beach around or a full piece in your backyard, give yourself a minute to feel your body in the sun. No one can take that away from us. You are goddamn worth it. Let me just say it again – You are so completely worthy of summer.
Here’s some fat babe bathing suit fashion inspiration, if you need it:
Beach bag – get a big ass bag and put shit in it. When we are tackling the beach as fat babes, we need to come prepared and for me, that means multiple options for multiple emotional possibilities. The beach bag gives you options for when your bravery takes a nose dive or for when it comes out swinging. Cause babes sometimes we got this and then sometimes we don’t. Either way the beach bag has your back.
My beach bag has the following:
- extra tank top in case I need more/less coverage
- shorts or beach pants in case I need more/less coverage
- a coverup that barely covers up
- phone for selfies, natch
- booze (depending)
- Big ass towel that can handle my big ass
Shorts – For years I thought I couldn’t wear shorts. Years babes, years. It wasn’t until about 5 years ago that I was finally all ‘enough, I’m too hot for pants’ both literally and figuratively. I really thought that my body didn’t ‘suit’ shorts. I was convinced that the chub rub i experienced from wearing them was a sign that I should not be engaging in short wearing. Also, not a lot of fashion spreads featured fatties in daisy dukes. Then i ended up in a Facebook group full of fat babes who wore shorts all the time and looked sick as fuck doing it and so began my full obsession with shorts. Cause sometimes you just need to see a real live fat babe wearing a thing you told yourself you never would to get over the rules we make up in our heads. So, in case you think your fat ass can’t wear shorts (or whatever it is that you think you can’t wear) here is my fat ass wearing them.
Babes, for real, my thighs are not made to be wrapped in fabric all summer long, not anymore.
MENTAL or how to level up from the physical
‘Go Fuck Yourself’ Attitude– this almost goes without a need for commentary, but really if you can channel this at the beach everything will fall into place. Practice your strut. Prepare some choice comments for anyone who thinks they get to take up your space and time with their fatphobia. And literally tell people to go fuck themselves if they say anything. Yelling on the beach at strangers not your thing? No problem, use your mom voice to bring shame upon them, make out with your sweetie who knows how good they have it, or just slowly take the headphones out of your bag while never breaking eye contact with the offending dirtbag and put them on and walk the hell away. Bring someone who’s got your back, or better yet a crowd of fat babes to drown out the damn noise. I have no time for dirtbags when I need to cool down and neither should you.
Strong vanity game– summer is made so much easier if you are a vain motherfucker. If we feel like everyday is an opportunity to gift the world with a big dose of us then it really takes the edge off the beach fear. Honestly, people should be so lucky to be on the same beach as us. I mean fat babes are everything, non?
Fat Babe Friends – Find your people, babes. They will be your salvation. Find the people who dont give two shits about what anyone says because it is 30C and their face is melting off. Find the babes who will hold you up when the world wants to tear you down. Stick with the ones who don’t want you to be perfect in your body- you know, the ones who just want you feeling enough in your body. Find the vain fatties, and the gentle, kind fatties, and the ‘i will cut you if you fuck with my friend’ fatties. Because babes, we are better together. Also rolling with a whole crew of fatties makes it a little easier to own the beach and, consequently, to own summer.
Which brings me back to my original point. Summer, babes. It is the best of times and the worst of times. And isn’t that what makes topping so fun anyways?
Don’t feel the heat this summer. BRING IT.